a letter to a love, lost.
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23.1
I’m here.
Come get me if you want me.
Please do not worry about hurting me.
Please do worry about hurting you.
Please do not come if you (YOU. not your child. not your ex. YOU) are not over him yet.
Experiencing a bit of a heartbreak, I am listening to a lot of reggae music. I feel slightly off balance. My center has moved for a month towards you. Now that you are gone, I have to readjust it towards me. I know I have the tools, processes and discipline that will help me overcome. Do not dismiss. Do not get carried away. In love as in heartbreak. I will feel the warmth of having been brave. All of it. The burn too. Of having shared my fragile parts. Shown my emotions.
I don’t know why you are shutting this door now but just as I entrusted you with my rawest words so need I trust you with your choice. I will keep my door ajar. For now. I can feel I won’t hold it very long.
For life over the last years has taught me one main lesson. When minding spaces where you don’t feel wanted, be extremely vigilant. Do not fall asleep. Constantly assess if you are safe. If they fill up your needs. And always be ready to retreat. It took me 43 years, some of them I now regret, to learn it. I owe myself to heed to that lesson. Now and forever.
Today I lost freedom of movement and connections between my neck and my left shoulder. Woke up with a sore upper back, against common sense stuck with my pull up routine. Now stiff and suffering, the pain dominates me. Impossible to lay down, or to rotate my head.
Each movement of my right shoulder seems to pressure the space between my shoulder blades. And creates pain in my left shoulder. Rushed through supermarket isles looking for Ibuprofen, ate two tablets on the carpark. Waiting now for the pain to subside.
This feels like a very physical manifestation of where I’m at. A very fitting end to our short lived romance.
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Edit/ update:
The pills did work, and after a long day rest, the pain slowly moved outwards and subsides now only on the outer edge of my left shoulder. Laying down on my back and turning my neck around are welcome back additions to my daily life. The heart is healing and will slowly recover, entirely.
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