Month: January 2022

big rain.

(word has it that 50 mm poured in 40 minutes)

yes. people were surfing on that puddle. Rudi we were very impressed.

sunflowers/ jean’s wordsearch/ battle packing Sid

habits.

jean’s breakfast for the last six months.

miso soup + noodles

a letter to a love, lost.

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23.1

I’m here.

Come get me if you want me.

Please do not worry about hurting me.

Please do worry about hurting you.

Please do not come if you (YOU. not your child. not your ex. YOU) are not over him yet.

Experiencing a bit of a heartbreak, I am listening to a lot of reggae music. I feel slightly off balance. My center has moved for a month towards you. Now that you are gone, I have to readjust it towards me. I know I have the tools, processes and discipline that will help me overcome. Do not dismiss. Do not get carried away. In love as in heartbreak. I will feel the warmth of having been brave. All of it. The burn too. Of having shared my fragile parts. Shown my emotions.

I don’t know why you are shutting this door now but just as I entrusted you with my rawest words so need I trust you with your choice. I will keep my door ajar. For now. I can feel I won’t hold it very long.

For life over the last years has taught me one main lesson. When minding spaces where you don’t feel wanted, be extremely vigilant. Do not fall asleep. Constantly assess if you are safe. If they fill up your needs. And always be ready to retreat. It took me 43 years, some of them I now regret, to learn it. I owe myself to heed to that lesson. Now and forever. 

Today I lost freedom of movement and connections between my neck and my left shoulder. Woke up with a sore upper back, against common sense stuck with my pull up routine. Now stiff and suffering, the pain dominates me. Impossible to lay down, or to rotate my head.

Each movement of my right shoulder seems to pressure the space between my shoulder blades. And creates pain in my left shoulder. Rushed through supermarket isles looking for Ibuprofen, ate two tablets on the carpark. Waiting now for the pain to subside.

This feels like a very physical manifestation of where I’m at. A very fitting end to our short lived romance.
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Edit/ update:

The pills did work, and after a long day rest, the pain slowly moved outwards and subsides now only on the outer edge of my left shoulder. Laying down on my back and turning my neck around are welcome back additions to my daily life. The heart is healing and will slowly recover, entirely.

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rumble in the jungle.

Sometimes happiness is just putting together a cheap swimming pool, filling it up with a ton of water, and moving a few pot plants around it. Who needs a carport in summer anyway?

Morning walk/ a painting

a trip to the Bendigo Art Gallery, to see a temporary exhibition called Soul Fury. Exploring womanhood, islam, and contemporary politics.

a sunset on sheppard’s flat, Leanganook

in a sealed envelope, before to leave the house, Jean left me 25 cents and this letter. ❤️

dear dad i really miss you when i’m at mum’s. I already know that because i do every time. I’ll try to write a letter every day but no promise. I love spending time with you. You always thinking of the good all of us can do. You’re always sweet and kind. I love you so much i would go to the end of the world to find you. Love, jean

a giant gum leaf !

heading back home in super car

there unfortunately will be no documenting the thunderstorm that stroke Cheshunt on friday night. enough to say we lost a cheap tent in the rain, cuddled in bed counting seconds between lightnings and thunders, always more than eight, didn’t sleep until -deep in the night- we found ourselves laughing hysterically, realizing it was finally over. it had passed and no tree had fallen around us. i prayed a lot that night. life seemed fragile when the storm hit.

camping in Cheshunt, day 3.

power’s lookout/ paradise waterfall

camping in Cheshunt, day 2

selfying and kayaking in lake Howell / some clouds

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camping in Cheshunt, day 1.

the camp / a resident koala / the river

when Zsuzsa snaps me.

sunday eve a the res, happy.

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a facebook memory. when a pet parrot visited the Newstead pool, january 2nd, 2019

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the bricks and I, tired.

Nouvel an, 2022