“We all have what it takes to feel, but to experience our feelings fully and safely, they need to be “validated” by someone who mirrors them. Mirrorring happens when someone accurately reflects our feelings back to us with a warm welcome. We then know we are understood and it is safe to have and show our feelings. (…)
The opposite of mirrorring is shaming. The less mirrorring we have received, the more ashamed of ourselves we may be. (…)
Shaming is a form of abandonment, and holding onto our shame is self-abandonment. Now we begin to see why we fear abandonment so much. It is the absence of mirrorring, and we need mirrorring to survive emotionally.
We also see why we fear the loss of our partner. To grieve is to feel keenly isolated and bereft of mirrorring. To grieve with supportive others, however, is mutual mirrorring. This si why funerals are public events: our fellow mourners mirror grief to us and we to them. Grief is healed by letting go and by contact.”
D. Richo, How to be an adult in relationship