Re-reading old journal entries. This one, very insightful, from January 24th, the day I set up a temporary pool in the carport.
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24.1
My life has always been one of easy decisions. I don’t feel the strengh of making really deliberate actions. However I have the courage to act upon very strong callings. In this way I feel big decisons always take themselves for me. Come to me. Studying law. Traveling. Claire. Children. Migrating to Australia. Moving to Yandoit. Baking and pastry cheffing. All that have just merged onto me. Like layers of skins added to my core.
Confusion is a really strong indicator of the necessity to not take any decision. This mix of laissez faire and radicalism has brought me here today.
Benoît. 43 years old. Single dad. Australian. French. Pastry chef. Musician.
I dad. I plant. I grow. I sometime shed limbs. Sometimes I’m the limb and I fall.
Music comes to me pretty easily. Writing too. Both feel very healing and give me a voice.
To sit with sadness without trying to adress it. To explore it and fully aknowledge that I wasn’t been wronged, it arises from no cause and carries no values nor judgement is a skill I am constantly learning. I don’t need to turn towards anyone to seek any answers. All necessary answers have been provided. I need to accept them.
Tonight I feel sad for not being able to share that pride I get for making my children’s day so special. Get the plaudit, or just share the joy with another adult. This feels like a need for confirmation, and it seems intimately linked with my fear of being alone/ single/ not seen/ unloved.
So to resolve this sadness is to accept my own worth, my own judgement on my day, reinforce that feeling of worthiness.
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