shaving – traveling notes, #2.
having had long talks with my mum and my brother, about the -mostly unfair- ways of the world and the environment we live in, the sense of agency we have or don’t. the actions and commitments we take or don’t.
expressing mainly my need to block out all this external noise, to protect my sanity and my sense of hope. realizing my self centred approach to life, and the potential inadequacy of that approach on an ethical level. the selfishness.
I wet the shaving brush.
squeeze shaving cream in the bowl.
build up lather.
start the slow process of clean shaving a three weeks old beard.
slowly scattered, lost and disconnected thoughts start to connect again, and a wider sense of understanding begins to emerge.
I am shaving, and I am not.
I am meditating.
at the moment and after three years I still am absorbing the shock of ending of my previous life with the mother of my children in a foreign country. and all the aftershocks. I am still recovering. readjusting.
the mishandlings, the mistakes, my regular dishonesty about it and its consequences. the lessons learnt. the apprehension and deep fears about my current situation. the precariousness of this season in my life. what if the car breaks down. what if Lachie needs his house back.
it’s all rumbling in the background.
I am not a selfish person, uninterested in the ethics of this world. I am gathering strength, & feel that need very deeply. hence the need of a gym training, and the necessity of looking after my body and my self. hence the need to shield my life from all external pressure. hence the mediation while shaving.
the quiet look at my face reflected on
a mirror.
the questionning of my where abouts.
where now.
where to.
what fears.
sitting now in by brother’s family calm house. while they have gone to work, to school, going and pushing their business as usual. while my children are deservingly resting, and sleeping past 10, on the midway mark of our huge holiday trip.
gathering thoughts, taking some deep breathing, recentering a bit.
near Angers. about to re-visit some places I grew up in.
